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Jun 14, 2017 - Uncategorized    Comments Off on When you wake up and say…..

When you wake up and say…..

What happen when you wake up one day and realize that I don’t care anymore? Is that what they call midlife crisis? or is that a moment of awakening?

I am trying to decide when that day should come and how I will re-act to it when it does come. The reason is because, I’ve almost hit that maximum load several times. To a point where i was ready to say let’s flip a coin and let it decide my decision to flip my brain and go into roaming mode or continue to deal with things in life.

Jun 13, 2017 - Uncategorized    Comments Off on Logical


A couple of days I wrote an article with a list of values, and on that list of values.. one word seem to have stood out to me this morning: Logical.

What does logical have to do with anything? Well in order to grow anything in life, you have to do it in logical steps and not take random action and expecting results.

I want to take a moment to analyze what the word logical means to me. Logical means making sense. And sometime, I feel that I am doing things that makes sense to me, however, others don’t seem to understand and feel the same way. And this can sometime cause me to have alot of internal conflicts. How I deal with those internal conflicts is something that I am working on daily.

Make rash decisions is not logical; and often time when you drink or place yourself on some type of drinks… you cannot be logical. I’ve found that when I am sober, I tend to make more logical decisions. Although the decisions sometime aren’t easy to live with, but the thought process is more thorough. And this usually leads to higher and better outcome than before while I was drinking.


Jun 12, 2017 - Uncategorized    Comments Off on Sleep


Sleep is essential to rejuvenating your body energy. I understand this completely, but yet unable to make myself fa ll asleep for a straight 8 hours a day. As someone who has dabble himself in the medical profession for over 8 plus years, it seems reasonable that he himself should have an answer to his insomnia. But yet currently, I sit awake now on cream color reclining love seat feeling tire and yawning.

Jun 10, 2017 - Uncategorized    Comments Off on Photograph and memories

Photograph and memories

As  I am going through photograph that I’ve taken in the past and of photograph that people have taken of me; I feel a big disconnect from that time. It was as if I wasn’t a part of that event or time. There is only a handful of photos that I can truly identify myself with. Why is that? Does those photograph not represent anything? Or am I not too accepting of my past or do I regret that time in the past? If that is the case, how do you suppose I deal with such a situation?


Jun 10, 2017 - Uncategorized    Comments Off on List of Values

List of Values

As part of the re-hab program for my DUI incidence in 2013, I had to go through a list of values terminology and ranked them based on the order of their importance to me as a guiding principal for my life. I want to share this list today and perhap later a long in this writing journey, I can re-cap and touch up on my choices and ranking of these core values that I find as important core values/principal in my life.

  • Ambitious (hard-working)
  • Broad minded (open-minded)
  • Capable (competent)
  • Cheerful (joyful)
  • Courageous (stand up for your beliefs)
  • Forgiving
  • Helpful
  • Self-control (restrained, self disciplined)
  • Honest
  • Imaginative (creative)
  • Independent (self-reliant, self-sufficient)
  • Intellectual
  • Logical
  • Loving
  • Polite
  • Respectful

As part of the exercises, we were to place 1 next to the value which is most important to us, and place 2 next to the value which is second most important to us.


Jun 10, 2017 - Uncategorized    Comments Off on Character Assets

Character Assets

Yesterday, I wrote an entry about character defects and how those characters can be harmful to your personal self development. Today, I want to give you a list of words that are ranked among the best words for character assets. Take a list of these words and see if you exhibit these characteristics on a daily basis.




Open minded











Self Respect

















As I go forth in writing more articles each day. I will work on elaborating each terminology and see how each ones affect my life.

Jun 10, 2017 - Uncategorized    Comments Off on Writing to heal

Writing to heal

Everyday, I wake up to a massive headache. This desire to calm the pain and decrease the anxiety is intense, and sometime I get overwhelm. And I use that reason to sometime drink myself into oblivion to get myself out from thinking about the situation.  I find other ways to counter the massive headache; such as trying to be productive. But i know at the end of the day, I end up with same pain and loneliness that seems to be like only I can understand.

As I sit here tonight, I am face with the same emotion described above. But instead of taking it to alcohol to cure the problem. I am taking it to this journal to write it out. With that said… i like to list some of my thoughts:

  • I feel disconnected
  • I feel concerned
  • I feel too much
  • I use technology to replace the things that I don’t have, which is the emotional connection.

This morning, when i woke up… I was determined to get my finance into perspective. So I added everything into the mint financial software. I’ve been looking at it and feel even more overwhelm, but seems like it is more controllable, now that I see all the numbers in one place. And I feel that is all it is… just a bunch of numbers. So if I can learn to play the numbers game, i can master the product of my knowledge and activities.


Jun 9, 2017 - Uncategorized    Comments Off on Character defects

Character defects

As I was sitting through AA several days ago; I caught a glimpse of a picture frame on a wall across the hall from where I was sitting in the back. On that picture it had a list of words and the title of the picture is “Character Defects“. The following list of words were written on that picture:







Self Seeking



False Pride










Self Pity






The reason why I find this picture interesting is because it gives me a list of terminology that I can use to analyze myself and really watch how I react to situations. The more I let these defective character present itself in my everyday life, the more bad consequence will start to show up in my life.

As I my journey go forth and as my writing continue to become more consistent, I will try to take each of these words and really analyze it in depth.

Do you see these character defects in yourself?

Jun 6, 2017 - Uncategorized    Comments Off on Honesty


At the meeting today; the topic of discussion was honesty. And while I sat and listen to everyone story; in the back of my mind..I was deep in thought as I analyze my own self and see if I can be honest to my own self and truly admit that I have a problem. I was trying to find the root of my problem; and all I could find was an answer that I don’t want to accept but yet it is the truth. I am the cause of my current situation and I got myself to where I am; and it is because of me that got me started on this disease that I am still struggling to leave behind.

Am I ready to own up to my own truth? Or am I doing what I am doing to try to achieve other alternative motives?

Jun 5, 2017 - Uncategorized    Comments Off on Tolerance


What is my tolerance level? I guess it isn’t very high. My emotions get thrown all over the table very quick. This is because I lack self control and never found a way to release my inner thoughts and emotions in a responsible manner; until recently. And the way that I do that now is through writing. And the writing I do is not for recognition; but for mental stability and self growth and self focus. The best way to state the purpose of my writing is to say that it helps me build up my tolerance level for the things that I cannot control in my life and help me center into the things that I can control which is my own mind and emotions.

Current emotion: Since I woke up this morning. I have this feeling of anger, rage, and my body seems to not be in control as I am continuously fidgeting and shaking my legs. The reason why my leg shake a lot of the time; as I’ve come to find out; is because of the enormous amount of things that runs through my head where I find myself out of control. And this is one of the reason, why I am sitting here writing this journal entry now is because I wanted to get my thoughts down, so that I can prepare myself and learn my weakness to grow beyond that level the lack of self control.

One way of controlling myself is by mapping things out in my life. I have this program that I’ve started back about 1 year ago to do mind mapping and creating goals; but I’ve since stopped using it. During the time which I was doing it; I felt more control and accomplished because I could visibly see changes and progress.

Buying Frenzy: I find peace from buying things.  I’ve been going through this the last couple of days of looking to buy a digital camera. The canon eos 70d. I want to get back into photography and setting times out each day to start doing it again, because I have a love for it and I find peace when I am doing it.  The ebay auction ends today in about 6 hours. I hope I win.